dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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