Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
