Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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