I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
