Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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