Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He felt like a one man threesome
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
