we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
