Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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