i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
