If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
