So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
time to smoke my breakfast
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
