I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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