i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
