Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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