Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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