I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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