just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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