Ambien. No doubt about it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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