ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
