Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
