Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
