Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
