just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
