I'm passing your future prison.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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