You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
