The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
