some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
