The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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