Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
