Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
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