connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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