You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
