So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this will be a night to untag.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you had me at cake vodka
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
