Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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