Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
