Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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