Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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