I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
