I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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