I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
