I wish I only lived at night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
