Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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