Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
