Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
