I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
