Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
