Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
