piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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