btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
