Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
