I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
