the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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