So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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